Ladies, I promised you that I would provide you with a little insight into the male mind. Indeed, it is a deep, dark, confusing place… -ish. Ok, I admit, the last set of truly deep thoughts were by the infamous Jack Handy; however, contrary to popular belief, men are thinking creatures and have made our way up the evolutionary ladder a few rungs. No longer do we drag our knuckles and take our mates by way of club. We do think about more than sports and food. We contemplate. We are philosophical.
WE LIVE BY A CODE:
Many of us have been introduced to the code. Many of us still need to be enlightened.
I hesitated to share this with you for fear of scorn and retribution. Yet, in order to help you, parents and partners, I took another oath with my blog that must continue to be fulfilled. So, I locked myself in the tomes and studied the code (for about ten minutes.) I found nothing stating that I could not show a woman these laws, ergo, ‘man status’ be damned, I bring you a snippet of…
I will not show you all of the man laws. Some of them are rather… well… crude. I omitted those for the sake of illustrating that men do think about things that are good and right. The following is a list of ten of the original 48 laws (actually, I listed eleven—two similar laws are combined.)
I hope this list provides you with an explanation to some of our actions and thought processes. In the future, I will expand on a few of these, mainly because they are hilarious and even I couldn’t believe the level of detail that went into their making. For now—enjoy this abbreviated list.
10 LAWS OF NOTE
- 6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. (Also note law 41 – Do not have a conversation at a urinal.)
- 12. If another man’s fly is down, you didn’t see anything and may not make a comment about it.
- 15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun cannot be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row, then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
- 19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words need to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
- 28. If a man ever does something wrong, a simple “OOPS”, “My Bad”, or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, there is no need to say “I’m Sorry”
- 32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. *Adult reference removed* Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation, more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6′ 5″ 250lb or a UFC cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.
(Note: I was pleasantly surprised that this was added to the original set of Man Laws. Well played, gentlemen!)
- 39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.
- 43. All men have the right to remain silent and/or leave the room when asked by a woman “do you like this.”
- 46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
- 47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat.
DEEP, AREN’T WE?
So there it is, ladies. Proof that men think… we may not prioritize our contemplation so well, but we think, and that’s a start!
There are several hundred variations to Man Laws and a similar set by the name of the Bro Code. They are easily found via online search, but I would love to hear your take… If you could add a Man Law, what would it be?