Kids are expensive. Understatement of the year, right? With new fire-retarding regulations, cute baby clothes are more costly, disposable diapers never seem to follow the cost-demand formulas, and if you can’t breastfeed, God help you on formula.
Planned parenting resources and friends will tell you that the expenses can add up quick, but what they don’t tell you is that inflation has wormed its way into every aspect of raising a kid.
Case in point:
We had a loose tooth incident recently. Due to mental scarring (thanks to her epic coffee table faceplant fiasco), we normally end up having lengthy discussions with my youngest about tooth loss. This time, however, she was excited about it.
She was about to make some loot.
Evidently, while on vacation last year, she lost one of her smaller baby teeth. Ok, she didn’t so much lose it as it started to loosen and she, along with her older cousin, tried virtually everything short of the ‘tooth-tie-door-slam’ technique of pre-mature self-extraction. (I think there’s something wrong with both of them.)
Needless-to-say, they succeeded. The tooth was immediately prepped for sale to the illustrious Tooth Fairy. As I am told, her great aunt the Tooth Fairy left her two dollars for it.
When did the Tooth Fairy start paying like this?! Better yet, why the hell was she so cheap when I was a kid? I can remember thinking that I was banking when I got a quarter! Now, of course, if the TF doesn’t at least match the previous quarter’s sales, my nine year old will be running around like that paperboy from Better Off Dead!
And it doesn’t stop there, folks!
Thanks to the wonders of advertising, you can be the proud owner of dolls that actually move and talk all on their own! Oh, yes, it’s true! They figured out that if you use a delicate combination of green screen technology and industrial light and magic, Barbie mermaids will, in fact, swim all by themselves in the tub and Pokemon can, and will, duke it out in your living room! Right before your very eyes!
Want to see a highly pissed off child? Simply open the package.
I can’t fault the company for trying to make a buck. Good for them. Sometimes they even make them affordable!
And, oh, that look of excitement and wonder in their little eyes just makes your heart melt. Then, they say the doll needs new shoes—maybe a whole outfit. Why not? So, you go to the store.
Want to see a highly pissed off adult? Simply check the prices for accessories.
Here’s the gist of it:
One new outfit (ingeniously designed by people who hate children): $6 (hmm…)
One set of outfits (designed by people that are indifferent about children): $29.99 (holy crap!)
One closet full of totally cute clothes (apparently designed by Jottum): $475.99 (*choke* *gasp*)
One car, (because the commercials lied about the doll’s ability to walk—manufactured by Mercedes): $269,999.99 (*Curse* *Faint* *Child now mad and crying because you obviously don’t love her*)
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to scare you be afraid, be very afraid nor am I advocating lying to your children honey, the toy store burned down. There just comes a time when you have to take a stand. (Usually around the decision between whether or not to eat that week and having to say ‘no’ to a new toy request.)
I say we bring back sticks and rocks—and pennies! Those were fun, right?
Who’s with me?
Baby picture used under creative commons guidelines – picture retrieved from https://www.girlsjustwannahavefunds.com/2008/08/waiting-to-have-a-baby-because-of-finances/