We’ve all heard the infamous line “I can’t wait for you to have kids… then you’ll see…” from our parents or guardians. We have, because we all put them in situations that very likely warranted the comment.
The fact of the matter is that you either resented the situation or punishment you received and swore to never be like that/them, or you grew to understand where they were coming from and apologized later (or want to.)
For this week’s Round Table Discussion, I want to know which one it is.
The question will not be easy to answer or explain, so do both:
Give us an example of why you think the way you do, and tell us—did you follow closely in your parents footsteps when it comes to raising your child(ren) or did you roll as far away from the tree as possible? Who do you think are the better parents?
This is a perfect discussion for me. My entire blog is based on becoming a man and a dad with the crappy examples I had as a child. There are things I discuss on my blog that I won’t take the time to find and post links here about, but there are things I noticed as a child that I have made a conscious decision as a dad NOT to do to and with my kids.
My wife and I both made a decision not to spank. We don’t condemn anyone who does, it just did not convey to us what our parents wanted it to, and we figured that our own kids would resent us for doing it too. Also, unlike my mother, I will not tell my children that they have to “work twice as hard to be half as good: as their White friends around them. This is just a portion of the things I have made a consious effort NOT to subject my children to that I have had to mentally get over myself.
Who’s the better parent between my parents or myself? Me, by a LONG shot, but the bar wasn’t set very high. So, I look to my father-in-law as my example to strive for.
-JB
I was raised pretty well, I think, but as it pertained to manners, respect, and doing for myself. As I got older, I realized that I had blinders on to a lot of what was clearly BS. MANY things I swore I would NEVER do as a parent.
I certainly have my fair share of parenting challenges, like an impossible to work with, 100% incompatible mother to my sons (which affects my relationship with them to the point where is almost doesn’t exist at all.)
But, all in all, I suppose I have enough of all that changed with my kids so they shouldn’t be able to say the same when they’re grown. We shall see.
And at least you had SOMEONE to look up to. That’s more than what a lot of people have/had.
I should probably add that said sons’ mother is not my wife. (Thought I better clear that one up. LOL)
I’ve read most of those posts JB and I must say you’ve done an excellent job sharing your experiences in a way that helps others to also learn from them.
I’m a better dad to my kids than my dad was to me. That I know for sure.
Such a short comment likely means a very profound back story. For what it’s worth, at least the cycle is broken, right?
It is.
Absolutely. I noticed how short the comment was and could feel that there is a LOT between those lines. Your kids are fortunate that you are stopping those patterns… whatever they may be.
Thanks JB.
FWIW James, reading your posts and getting to know you as person over the various SoMe networks, I can tell you are a great father, husband, and teacher. Your kids ARE fortunate for having you and I’m glad to have gotten to know you.
It means a lot Brad. Thanks.
I consider myself very fortunate in this category. Naturally, I rallied against everything my parents said up until about my mid 20s, but around then a light bulb went off in my head and I realized they were right about most things they were trying to tell me. They taught me not to “half ass” (his words) anything I was doing, to respect family and my elders, always say please and thank you, be accountable, and most importantly they spent time with me and my siblings. We used to have game night and play board games over and over, movie night with homemade popcorn, go to church on Sundays, etc… all that white picket fence stuff and more.
Right now I’d give the edge to my parents. I may be more involved than my dad as far as diaper changing, dish washing, being part of their bedtime routines, etc… but end of the day, my parents raised 3 kids who all completed college, have jobs right now, and practice and honor the values I listed above.
Until I can claim that, the edge goes to them.
On a side note, I recently wrote a post about one of my favorite things about writing is learning about the diverse backgrounds we all come from and how we all arrived, seemingly, with a similar approach to parenthood. Reading the comments above and knowing how different our upbringings were, yet being able to relate with you guys as men, fathers, and friends, makes me appreciate this writing experience even more.
It’s awesome knowing all of you and I’m glad we are all here in the same place and time trying to do the same thing – share and discuss our experiences so we all can be the best fathers we are capable of.
With excellent guidance and leadership like that, along with what you’ve revealed to us in your many online endeavors, there is no doubt in my mind that you are an excellent dad and your boys will feel the same way when they are asked this question some day.
I had a fantastic upbringing as a child and would like to think I am as good of a dad as my father was to me. The one lesson I did learn is to not choose favorites between my children. My sister has been treated like the bad kid her whole life, and I see how it affected her as an adult. It is completly unfair to do that, as I feel it is unfair for me to compare myself with my parents. We all have positive and negative traits, and being a parent is a lifelong lesson. As long as we are striving to be the best people we can, and learn from our mistakes, each generation of parents should be better than the last.
“each generation of parents should be better than the last” Love that, man. Well said.