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Brandon P. Duncan

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You are here: Home / Dads Round Table / Lost in plain sight

Lost in plain sight

Published on February 4, 2013Filed Under: Dads Round Table Tagged With: healthy relationships, Parental relationships, Round Table Discussion

Something I have seen all my life in movies, TV shows, and in real life is mothers and fathers losing both themselves and each other after the introductions of kids into the relationship.

In some cases, their bond was never strong enough in the first place, so they divorce or they stick it out until the kids are old enough to “understand” then split. In other cases, they glaze over the issue and just carry on with their parental duties only to find out when the kids are out of the house that they no longer really know each other. At that point, it’s anyone’s guess what happens.

Every one of the above listed scenarios has the potential to cause significant emotional problems and can destroy the relationship between them. It can also spill over to the kids, even when they are adults.

This week, let’s hear your views on this issue. What do you think are good ways to keep parents’ relationships from becoming rifted? Is there a technique you personally use to ensure that you and your partner do not lose sight of each other in the madness that is being a parent? How much time should be spent continuing to work on the marriage or relationship as opposed to child rearing? Or, do you think not focusing 100% on the children is selfish?

Tell us your thoughts and views below. Do not forget the #DadsRT Twitter chat on Wednesday at 9PM Eastern, and we will discuss this topic live.

Written by BrandonPDuncan. There are 25 Comments. Leave one too! I love to chat.

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  1. The Rookie Dad says

    February 4, 2013 at 09:45

    My wife and I take a moment each week that we like to say is our. Which is usually Saturday night we either watch a movie or play a game together. Just something that we can call ours. Our lives are so busy between her going through school and the kid, taking time to just be with each other makes it nice.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 4, 2013 at 12:17

      Yeah, my wife and I are trying to take back our time also. We do a lot both online and in our hectic schedules. We’re definitely trying not to do anything “work related” on weekends or at night. It really is important to put in the time, regardless if it’s just time doing nothing.

      Reply
  2. Robert Loftus says

    February 4, 2013 at 10:27

    We also try and dedicate at least one night a week to ourselves. Whether its a night out on the town or a night in with a movie, we try and make it alone time. This week we are going to the Knicks game, which is something we both enjoy & should be a real good time.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 4, 2013 at 12:18

      For several years, our family has tried to do a weekly game night with the kids and we’ve tried to work in a “date night” for just my wife and I. That usually ends up being a couple times per month, though, rather than weekly.

      Reply
  3. ManvDadhood says

    February 4, 2013 at 11:13

    The wife and I are very conscious about this because we both work opposite schedules, and she is now a full-time grad student. We are often trying to steal time, and we seem to still want to spend time with one another. Regardless of what we say in these discussions, I think it comes down to what you said in the post that the bond was not strong enough in the first place. My wife and I are friends first, and we have committed to each other and to this family. You can’t lose sight of that.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 4, 2013 at 12:19

      I feel for you. We’ve never really had opposing schedules, like a night and day shift, thankfully, but it’s good that you are conscious about it, nonetheless. Good job!

      Reply
      • ManvDadhood says

        February 4, 2013 at 14:58

        I think it’s more than being conscious about it… You have to talk about it. You have to distinguish between a Date Night to reconnect, and some time to recover from the daily stresses. If a date night turns into sitting in the dark watching a movie, then there is little time to reconnect. THere are many nights that we just talk about things that we have missed, we vent about work, we tell funny stories about what the kids did. You can’t let your lifer fall into boxes, because it will all become disconnected, and you will feel disconnected.

        Reply
        • Brandon P. Duncan says

          February 5, 2013 at 13:46

          This is a little off-topic, but talking about movies, my uncle once told me his “secret” to a perfect date. Nothing, fancy, really, just dinner and a movie, but he said NEVER do dinner first. Always do the movie first, that way, in case you run out of stuff to talk about over dinner, you have the movie in common. That used to crack me up.

          Anyway, yes, communication is certainly key, no matter what.

          Reply
  4. jetts31 says

    February 4, 2013 at 14:14

    I think it helped that my wife and I were on the same page, when we got married, about our plan for kids. Then, after the kids were born, we made sure to have time set aside just for us. Whether it was 30 minutes together on the sofa watching TV, breakfast in the morning after the kids go to school, or securing a good babysitter for the weekends.
    Like anything else, it takes work and it takes talking it through to make sure that lull doesn’t set it permanently.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 5, 2013 at 13:48

      My wife and I already had all but one of our kids when we met. It worked out pretty well, I think. I believe we really scrutinized how we went about the relationship more in the beginning because of it.

      Reply
  5. James Hudyma says

    February 4, 2013 at 23:27

    I’m finding that as my kids get older and more independent that I have more time for my marriage and myself. I know some families with several children or with a few children in several activities find that they’re busier as they get older but we’ve made a pact to make sure our kids have time for some unstructured play. Anyway, we don’t have a formula but I can say things are way better than they were last year and the year before.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 5, 2013 at 13:50

      The independence does help. We have certain age limits in the military by which they gauge when and how long a child can be by themselves in housing. We took the opportunity to let the kids exercise that responsibility (when old enough) by taking ourselves out. It worked out pretty good for all of us.

      Reply
  6. Brad the Dad says

    February 5, 2013 at 07:38

    As mentioned earlier in comments, we also try to pick some time once a week (Saturday as well) and make it ours alone. Unplanned and totally perfect, this used to be Friday night after kids were in bed and we would watch Diners, Drive-ins an Dives while yapping about the boys and laughing about the funny things they do. Lately, we have tried to formalize this into cooking together on Saturdays. Even if it takes plopping the boys in front of the TV to watch a movie while we cook, that time together ALONE in the kitchen is priceless.

    2 things we try to focus on in our relationship: 1 – brutal honesty. It’s hard, it sucks, we are in a fight right now because of it, but long-term I truly believe this is the way to go. 2 – our relationships with kids comes second to our own. If we don’t have a positive/healthy relationship with each other, then we won’t with our kids, IMO. So as easy as it is to be close with your kids and marginalize your relationship with spouse in the name of this closeness with kids, you’re just tricking yourself.

    Reply
    • Chad Miller says

      February 5, 2013 at 08:10

      Your second focus point is right on, Brad. Our children model our behavior, including how we treat our spouse. If they sense that there is not relationship between their mom and dad, there is great risk of that spilling over into the child/parent relationship even though it may be unintentional and subconscious.

      Reply
      • Brandon P. Duncan says

        February 5, 2013 at 13:58

        The other side is one that I experienced as a child. My dad ALWAYS put my mother first. To a fault. Now, I will give enough credit to him in that they may have fought later about her being flat-out wrong in some situations, but I never saw it.

        I vowed to not be like that with my family. Fair is fair. If the kid is right, so be it. I won’t necessarily call my wife out in front of the kid, but I am willing to shape the situation into something that the child sees I am on their side, but still make them understand the respect part too.

        Tricky, but the best for me.

        Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 5, 2013 at 13:54

      Two things –

      1 – You bring up a good point in finding hobbies to share. There’s a give and take there that is important. I can’t cook worth a damn, but I will watch cooking shows with my wife. I also try to occasionally try out some of her other interests, if for no other reason but to spend the time. (Of course, some things I will just not do, but the flipside of the coin is having your own separate interests, so it works out.)

      2 – Honesty and putting yourselves first are both good practices, to a point. Some people do not understand the balance that goes into it. It comes down to knowing your partner.

      Reply
  7. Chad Miller says

    February 5, 2013 at 08:14

    Historically, I’ve been a night owl. I could easily stay up taking care of my own agenda after the family has gone to bed. However, I believe it’s important to spend that time with my wife. The majority of the time, when she goes to bed, I’m right there with her.
    That little bit of quiet time, away from the children, has provided a great environment for communication. Sometimes, we don’t talk much at all. I’ve found the unwinding process in silence with each other can be great for our emotional intimacy.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 5, 2013 at 13:59

      Good points. I agree. I try not to spend too much time at night (when I’m home, of course) away from my wife. Especially at bedtime. I compensate by getting up a lot earlier than the rest of the house to get my “me” time in and work on stuff apart from them.

      Reply
    • Brad the Dad says

      February 5, 2013 at 15:11

      Interesting point about bedtimes, Chad. I’m the same way and often go to bed well after my wife. But, the nights we do head upstairs at the same time are great and I should probably put a little more importance on this. Excellent perspective, thanks.

      Reply
  8. Daddy's in Charge? says

    February 5, 2013 at 15:17

    This is something that my wife and I struggle with. Our relationship has changed with the introduction of the kids. She always tells me about the stuff that I did before the kids were born and why I don’t do that now. The truth is I don’t know. But the kids ARE a huge part of the relationship and sometimes I don’t know if my wife can see that. I wish that we had the time to spend together, but we don’t. She works hard and at night only wants to sleep, leaving me by myself, and the relationship struggles. We have recently started to carve out a little more time for us… one night watching a TV show, maybe another night where we play a game, and now that our nephew is old enough we can actually have a date night at least a couple times a month. Hopefully we can get back to more of us, because I ahve always liked us, but the truth is I don’t know what the future holds.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 5, 2013 at 23:34

      I don’t think we are ever the same people after kids are introduced. The biggest thing to remember is that the kids will be fine. You will raise them the best you can, then they will go out on their own and start families themselves. You have to keep in mind that you and her were there before them and will be afterward. You have to keep that relationship up. Unless your being paid to be parents—which I have never seen—then there’s a separation that has to be made from the kids.

      Reply
  9. Lynette says

    February 5, 2013 at 18:45

    I know this is a Dad blog, but saw the tweet from @realbradthedad. As a mom who is raising 3 boys with a husband who travels quite a bit, I follow dad blogs to make sure Im not doing EVERYTHING wrong. 🙂 Anyway, my two cents: Communication. Each relationship and its abilities are different. My husband was stationed overseas the first 3 years our kids (twins) were born, unaccompanied and is now a long haul truck driver. This leaves us with limited together time. When he was home, unemployed, there was still limited together time because I had to work two jobs most of that time. And resentment was born on both sides. I would communicate with him, but it was like a black hole most of the time. He seemed to be hearing me, or tuning me out as he stared off into space, but he rarely if ever communicated back. Things were bad for awhile.

    Things are better now, and we have nightly conversations with each other – separate from the conversations we have with the kids to keep them connected. But, the communication, the back and forth, the easy rapport we enjoyed at the beginning of the relationship is something we are still trying to get back. Good luck to all of you who do communicate, honestly and lovingly, and can set that time aside. Enjoy it.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 5, 2013 at 23:31

      Just to clarify, we are an online parenting magazine with a heavy basis on communication and discussion topics. “Dad blog” kind of pigeon holes us. We want to be a place where all parents can come to discuss relationships, parenting in general, and pretty much everything else that is important to us. Please do not shy away from joining a conversation here for fear of treading on “dad-only” territory.

      As for the communication piece, I agree. I am military, so I know alllllll about being away for long periods. It is difficult and when you aren’t communicating properly, the relationship suffers—guaranteed. Just keep plugging away at it. It may never be like it was in the beginning (for many reasons) but you can always continue to make it better.

      Thanks for stopping in!

      Reply
  10. mikes_oh says

    February 6, 2013 at 13:56

    Great article and great timing.! Me and my wife have found our connection dwindling as of late between the kids and the stresses of life. Through it all, we have watched tv at night together and have never gone to sleep apart but the depth of the relationship was non existent. This helped me bring our time back into focus and reignite the desire to make it stronger on the daily basis. Thanks! It’s so easy to fall into complacency and simply co exist without thinking of the effects it can have on either partner.

    Reply
    • Brandon P. Duncan says

      February 9, 2013 at 10:18

      Just keep working on it. Plain and simple. 🙂

      Reply

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