Linking back up this week for Studio 30+! This week’s prompt was ‘Independence’. This piece was inspired by a little of everything, Independence Day the movie, the day, the concept, and of course, childhood escapades.
Enjoy! Constructive criticism always welcome!
~~~
The boy’s father glanced out of the kitchen window toward the back yard. He immediately called to his wife to come and bear witness to the event that was unfolding. Quietly, they both watched as their son took charge of the situation.
The sight was amusing, but they did their best to remain silent.
The boy, only seven, stood. Stoic. Unwavering. Deadly serious.
He wore a pair of camouflage pants with a plain grey tee, half tucked into them. His father’s baseball cap hung low on his head, pinning his ears underneath. A pair of aviators covered a large portion of his face.
In front of him in the grass were twenty-six action figures, his whole collection and a few of his sister’s dolls. Half were posed in various combat positions about ten feet in front of him.
The enemy.
The rest faced them, all standing erect. Tall. Unafraid.
The patriots.
He began to pace in front of the closer of the opposing sides. Back and forth he walked, arms neatly folded behind his back.
“Today, Soldiers, is the day we take back our inpedendence.” He began.
His mother stifled back her chuckle with her palm.
“You are here because you have been chosen. You are the best of the best. Some of you will not make it. The bad guys…” he thrust an outstretched finger toward the enemy line, “…are mean. They want to beat you up. They don’t want you to have your own country.”
He stopped and stretched his arms out. “This land belongs to you. Are you going to let them take it?!” he yelled. “I didn’t think so. Now get ready, troops. Let’s kick some butt! I want you to kick ‘em. Zap ‘em. Rip their heads off!” He mimicked every order with exaggerated movements.
“Don’t you dawe wip my Bawbie’s head off!” his sister shrieked from around the corner of the house.
“Oh, shut up, sissy! I’m not gonna rip her stupid head off!” he retorted.
“You bettew not, ow I wiw tew mommy!”
“SHHHH!”
She pouted.
He turned back to the Soldiers. Reaching down, he grabbed two by their waists and did an about face movement. Slowly, he ducked down and tensed—readying himself to lunge forward.
“ATTAAAAAACK!”
~~~
I hope you all had a great Independence Day and took pause to think of our ancestors, who provided us with the means to enjoy the freedoms we have today.
Now comment! What did you think? What could have been done better?
I love the imagery in this essay, Brandon. While I was reading it, I felt like I was standing there, watching the son act out his battle. I also enjoyed the sister popping in…you framed it perfectly…it jarred me out of the scene with the son, made me laugh and realize how *real* this whole piece felt to me. Excellent work!
As an aside, part of why I love reading so much is the imagery a talented writer creates through words alone. What you wrote was, truly, an amazing example of that. Thank you.
Thank you very much! Such a great compliment. What is difficult for me is that I picture the story, then have to capture it. You can’t paint the exact picture for others, you have to break it down so that you’re not forcing it down their throats. Getting a story juuuust right to be able to do that is a challenge.
Thank you for stopping in!
I know it’s a common complaint with a micro fiction…but I want there to be more! I really loved the imagery in the top of your piece. You painted the boy beautifully and the parents were very realistic. I could have been any one of those characters.
I really didn’t like the close. I’m not exactly sure why. In part the sister was very weak compared to her brother. I think the dialectical lines were too cute for my taste. Her brother was so cool and rounded and she was a very flat, stereotypical toddler girl. I bet she likes pink things and tattling. She probably also screams just to get her big brother in trouble.
It might be fun if she were actually the enemy, or at least if she had the depth her brother did. Or if she wasn’t there and he just took silent joy in defiling barbie corpses.
I really loved the writing, but I didn’t get a sense of completion out of it. Just so you know though, I liked the writing enough to go back and dig for more!
Awesome! Thank you for this evaluation. I wasn’t entirely happy with the ending myself, not necessarily because of the girl, but just the way it closed.
Honestly, I built him, but I didn’t build her. I put her in to balance the speech he was making (so he didn’t look so Calvin and Hobbes-ish and come off too smart, etc…) Very good assessment, though… She is stereotypical. And to be honest, I never thought of making her the leader of the enemy. That would have been good! I will surely watch for things like that in the future!
I appreciate you stopping in! Hope to see you around some more.
I’m glad your up for crit! I really did love the style, and I’ve really enjoyed digging through this blog. Visit me anytime, I more than happy to take some honest back. I’ll be checking in more often; I love good writing.