This week’s writing prompt from Story Dam asked us to write a descriptive sequence in which your character (whether real or fictional) is facing something that requires a distinct level of determination or about a time when you or your character faced adversity or received an assignment that required you/them to really buckle down and focus.
Hope you enjoy the story. Constructive criticism welcomed and encouraged!
~~~
Sweat started to bead on his forehead. His body tensed despite knowing that he needed to relax and just do what his extensive training prepared him for.
Red wire first…
He raised the impossibly small wire cutters into the gunmetal grey chassis, careful not to brush against the sides. Even the slightest touch would connect the circuit, spelling disaster. This wasn’t a simulator, this was real. Any wrong move and he would be killed.
The pressure was almost too much.
Yellow wire, green stripe…
The smooth skin of his forehead creased slightly above his eyes. He blinked hard; then opened his eyes wide in effort to refocus. The intricate wiring schematic he trained on was nothing like this. This was sloppy—homemade. He knew deep down that the wiring could very well be switched—misplaced. It was his knowledge of circuit cards that would save him on this mission. Thankfully, he had seen one like this on a previous call.
No black? Suckers! OK, ok… focus… G7 transistor… follow board inlay… there! Blue? Why blue?
The thick canvas and leather gloves made separating the wiring difficult. The limited space was almost impossible to maneuver. His mask started to fog. He was breathing too heavy. The tiny fans had to be shut off in order to keep any electrical interference from triggering the bomb.
Come on, slow down… shallow breaths.
He attempted to relax his face. Slowly, he closed his eyelids and let the tension in his neck and shoulders out. He opened his squarely chiseled jaw halfway and moved it from side to side. He reopened his grey-green eyes and looked through the thick composite visor of his helmet. Better.
The time is going too fast…
He wished that the timer mechanism did not display down to the tenths of a second. The speed that the bright red, dashed line numbers counted down was distracting. He wondered where they even found one of those timers. The entire scenario was annoying. He was getting frustrated.
Come ooonnnnn!
Under a minute.
Pleeeaaase!
His forehead furrowed. The determination in his eyes and corners of his mouth turned into worry.
No, no, no, no, no…
Twenty-seven seconds.
His face screwed up. He prayed through a grimaced mouth.
10…9…8…
Nooooooooooooo…
7…6…5…
Panic.
4…3…2…1…
The flash and noise from the explosion startled everyone in the area.
Disgust.
“THIS GAME SUCKS!”
“Hey! Watch your mouth.”
“Well!”
“Well, nothing. If you are going to act like that, you can turn it off.”
Holy criminitly! My heart was racing all the way through, and my hands are still shaking! Awesome job!! Loooved it! 🙂
That’s funny, Donna. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
See anything I could work on for future pieces?
Man, you’re making me dig deep here to search for a suggestion. I re-read it again and got lost in the emotion…..hmmm…. The only thing I can think of is maybe adding one more line of dialogue, or a grumble/grimace of reply at the end. Sorry, but that’s all I got. I loved it exactly as is.
I kept thinking the whole time, oh no, this isn’t what he does, is it? Really well done, and I loved the twist at the end. I wouldn’t change a word.
Thank you, Bridget. And no, this is not what I do. I have friends in fields like this, but this story is purely from imagination… and movies, LOL!
Thank you for the comment!
OK Brandon! Not funny! I fell for it, thought he blew himself up at the end! This a real to life piece. I felt nervous the whole time. Now that’s good writing.
HA! I’d love to say “sorry” but I’m not, LOL!
Thank you for a wonderful comment. I truly appreciate it!
I’m sweating, so in the moment, hunched over the bomb, trying to diffuse it. I’m stressed too from reading this, and the explosion at the end? Killer! I LOVE the twist you threw in there at the end.
I only have 2 things. Both are small but could strengthen the oomph this story has, perhaps. “He opened his squarely chiseled jaw…” I don’t know that you need both adjectives here. Chiseled jaw is pretty strong by itself. you could tighten this up a little. And…”Disgust.” After all the visuals you gave, this was a bit of a let down. As a single word, it is a powerful statement alone that is of itself descriptive, but, still I’d like to see it on his face or in his body language.
I was thoroughly involved in this. I thought maybe it was his job too, then BOOM! It’s a game. LOVE it!
PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!! Ok, now that’s out of the way… 😉
Good call on the square and chiseled. I will definitely watch for that… hmm…
Looking back, I think I agree with you on the second piece also. I kind of felt that there was something missing at the end, but couldn’t put my finger on it. I actually thought it was the explosion that wasn’t powerful enough, but you are definitely on to something with the transition. Maybe if I would have had him slump over out of disgust rather than just saying it in a word? That would have been a good one, I think. It would have tied both together much better.
Thanks for that!
Martha made a good point too. It flows with the short staccato BAM sentences you have going on at the end, so maybe you could combine them while tying it all together the way you want it to go. 😉
And yeah, this sounds like so much fun, but I think I’ll leave the demolition and bomb making to my hubby. 😉
Crap… Staccato? UGH! Making me look up new words now?! Damn it… 😉
Yeah… about that… did I mention that I don’t recommend home bomb defusing? LOL!
I promise it’s within the safety of 2 controllers, a playstation, and the tv set. 😉
Now that I’m breathing again… LOVED IT! I was hoping that the character would not defuse the bomb at the end (is that horrible?) because it would have been too predicable. I see we think alike on that. Loved the twits at the end. I’m not sure that I agree that just having that one word “disgust” was a bad thing. It follows the flow of the ending…
27 seconds
Panic
Disgust
Explosively wonderful!
Wow, Martha… and you write kids books?! 😉
I see both yours and DM’s points. I did try to keep with the flow, but something was still off. Eh. Next time, right?
(Explosively wonderful? HA! Remind me to hire you for a testimonial if we ever get big, LOL! And thank you for the compliment!)
I know, right? I almost didn’t write it but I felt I needed to be honest. Just don’t tell the kiddies!
I still don’t think those single words at the end took away from your story. I have two boys (read: men because they are 25 and 22 (next week)) so I know the language of video game players… non-existent! It’s all “Nooooooo!” and “What?” and a stronger version of “Darn!” so it really made sense to me that you would describe their emotions or feelings in that way. I really did enjoy it!
You liked my play on words, huh? I knew I liked you!
Yes, as a “boy” I can attest to the series of grunts, growls, and occasional cursing, lol!
Thanks for being with us! You’re fun. 🙂
😉
Thanks Brandon, I’m glad to be here. You’re fun, too. The whole gang is great!