This week’s Red Writing Hood assignment was to write about a time when you took a detour. Where had you intended to go and where did you end up?
As always, constructive criticism is welcome and encouraged. If you don’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment or asking a question about writing, shoot me an email! There is an easy ‘contact me’ form on the left.
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His options came down to the flip of a coin.
Tails marked a continuation of the same. Nap, wake, scrounge for something to eat. Reflect, sigh, cross town on fumes to be an underpaid customer service agent all day. End his shift, scrounge again, play the role of the sexy, unattainable bartender all night.
Tending had brought him unfathomable status. He could get whatever he wanted—whoever. A perfectionist and deft apothecary, he watched his concoctions enact their graceful dance across the slurred tongues of his patients. He delighted in the fluttering of delicately painted eyelids and the ragged sighs of pleasure that escaped as liquid passion entwined with taste buds upon that first sip.
He was a God among men.
Yet, he tired of the dark side of that nightlife. There was emptiness deep within him—an insatiable thirst. Despite his nightly attempts to fill this void, the vacuum simply grew larger, more desperate. He had everything and everyone, yet, he was poor and alone.
Heads was to sell everything he owned for gas money and do as many before him had. He would travel West, Reno, to be exact, and start anew.
In the darkness, the metallic twang of a flicked coin echoed.
Heads it was.
There was a plan—sort of. His possessions found homes with people who loved them more than him. He made phone calls. Interviews were lined up. It was simply a matter of getting out of town.
As he walked out the front doors of the office, he felt free. Almost too free. Dropping everything and running away felt alien and careless, naughty, even. His final stop was to be a little bar on the Strip for one last cold one with a few of his boys. He decided it would be in and out. He didn’t want the sunset in his rear view that evening.
He slowed the silver hatchback as the light turned yellow. Across the intersection sat a single police cruiser. He avoided looking in the cop’s direction, but he felt as if the officer was staring directly at him. When the light turned green, he made the left turn, cautiously watching his speed and glancing in the mirror. As he feared, the cop flipped his lights on.
He would not have a beer that day. The sunset would not be seen through the cement walls of his eight by eight cell. Reno would not be his final destination. The detours he took in this life would lead him right back to the beginning, and he would start over—with nothing.
Wait. What?
I was into his whole persona, a loner type of guy, really enjoying the descriptions of the drinks, etc, and then he’s in jail?
I wish there was a little foreshadowing of the twist. Not a giveaway, but something to let us know there was something darker going on with this guy. Does that make sense?
Absolutely. Makes perfect sense. 🙂
Thank you!
Ok, why?
There’s a prequel I missed?
Now I’m all frantic. Why was he sure the cop would come after him? What did he do?
However, I loved the images painted here. This is a strong character. Good writing.
Thank you! I appreciate the comment!
All good questions, btw. 🙂
I felt my heart drop a little when he was caught. I did care about this character and want him to find a new beginning.
I assumed he was getting pulled over for drunk driving, except that you said he would not have a beer that day. And what would have happened if he had stayed? Wouldn’t he still have gotten caught? If he was running from the law, it seems like he would have had to leave and not left it up to a coin toss.
I’m glad you liked the character! That makes me feel good.
You pose some valid questions!
Was him going to jail something that was alluding to a past we know nothing about? I mean, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the yellow light thing, right? 😉 Was Reno a hint? I feel like I missed something very important.
I really loved the descriptions of his work as a bartender.. beautiful words, as always!!
Thank you, very much. Such a compliment!
As for your questions? Hmmm… 🙂
I could picture this guy. Or, at least, I thought I could. Then when he went to jail or prison, I raced back to the beginning to see if I had missed something. I wanted to know why? You have a good character to take us on a journey with and I hope we’ll learn more about him!
Thank you. I am glad you feel that way about the character!
I’m sure he will be a familiar face. 🙂
Wow. Love the way you use language. My favorite line: “He didn’t want the sunset in his rear view that evening.” Could totally visualize this.
Yep, like others above me, I had the same thought: “What did I miss?” and wanted a little more information on why he was suddenly in jail – the suddenness threw me a little. Then, my next thought was “Wouldn’t this make a great beginning for a novel – the first few paragraphs?” just because I was totally drawn into your story. I wanted to know more about this guy, his motivations, and why he landed in jail. Ha!
Such strong writing.
Thank you so much, Melanie! So many compliments packed in there! Thank you for taking the time to write this!
I agree with the comments about the character. He is interesting and I am curious to learn a little bit more about him.
Thanks for commenting, Jack. Give it time. 🙂
“he watched his concoctions enact their graceful dance across the slurred tongues of his patients. He delighted in the fluttering of delicately painted eyelids and the ragged sighs of pleasure that escaped as liquid passion entwined with taste buds upon that first sip.”
Man can you weave words together!! The ending was really surprising to me too. I felt a bit disconnected and also wondered how he knew he would get pulled over (other than the feeling, and the knowledge that the cop was looking right at him) because it is obvious he has done something wrong. What? I don’t know, but it was unexpected. You did fantastic job of developing this character.
I can think of a few guys I knew in another life not so long ago he reminds me of.
Thank you for an awesome compliment!
You also pose a great question. How did he know? 🙂
You have a beautiful way with words and character development. I got to know this guy (still deciding if I like him or not) and definitely want to know more.
I really liked the way you used the coin flip to tee things up.
Well done!
Such awesome comments and compliments! I very much appreciate that!
Well written! I love the descriptions of the bartending. All of that was fantastic!
I will second what Cheryl said though, the ending came way out of left field and was very confusing. I’ve re-read it a couple times now and I’m still confused. Hopefully this means there is more of this! 🙂
Thank you very much!
Yes, the ending. It was done like this intentionally. There may indeed be more. We shall see! 😉
Brandon,
Amazing story. Maybe you could continue this line of thought. Enjoyed it immensely.
Thank you very much! I am glad you liked it. Maybe I should… 🙂
Nicely done!!! The bar scene? Impeccable…loved it.
And nice twist at the end…I had to read it twice…and I like the intrigue. I want to know WHAT this guy did that caught the eye of a cop while driving a plain silver hatchback….hmmmm….
Looking forward to reading more! 🙂
Thank you, Kelly! I appreciate the compliments! 🙂
I’ll be the lone voice – I actually loved the twist. I’m presuming this is going to be part of something more (hint, hint) so we’ll find out what the back story is.
Loved the rear view line too.
Yay! Thank you! We may see more of this, yes. 🙂
Cheryl essentially wrote my comment for me.
But I’m going to reiterate, the paragraph with the description of him as the apothecary? That was some fine stuff right there.
Coming from you, I am humbled. 🙂
Thank you for stopping by!