Red Writing Hood – The World Shifted
This week’s Red Dress Club prompt asked for a 600 word-count or less piece that was to begin with the words, “I could never have imagined” and end with “Then the whole world shifted.”
Enjoy my take on the prompt. Feel free to leave comments, criticism, or whatever else comes to mind!
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I could never have imagined that it would happen to me. Then again, no one ever does. We stay blissfully ignorant in our own little worlds, oblivious to the happenings that affect people halfway across the world; hell, even next door.
So when I walked through the door to the cantina, I assumed it would be another regular night of mingling with my new friends. Drinking, singing, dancing, sex—this night should have played out like any other I’d experienced over the course of the six months since I arrived at this island paradise.
It was Saturday night. The weekend. I loved the weekends here. Everyday life was more relaxed than I ever thought possible, but the weekends were exquisite. As I slipped on my hand tailored, white linen pants and loose silk shirt, I reminisced of past weekend nights. Nights I had been engulfed in sensual aromas of coconut butter mixed with aphrodisiacal flowers. Nights that began with the tantalizing caress of soft hands and firm legs in the midst of close dancing. Nights that ended with a quite different caress of moist lips and glistened bodies in a much closer dance.
Juanita, the owner of the apartment, swept through the kitchen to the balcony, carrying plants to catch the last of the evening sun. Even she, a heavy, aging woman, easily in her late sixties, had a natural grace about her. The years had been kind to her, as it seemed to be to most of the locals. Her skin was still attractive and bronzed. Her eyes glittered vibrantly in the sunlight. I watched her float back and forth for a moment before interrupting her with a quick twirl toward the bar. She squealed and gently slapped my cheek, smiling widely.
She made us one of her famous juice concoctions—a homemade recipe that tasted almost like a peach margarita but packed the kick of a mule. We talked casually for a few minutes. She asked where I was going tonight and whether or not I was going to finally allow a woman to capture me and make me her husband. We laughed. As I made my way out into town, she stood at the doorway and watched me. She was so sweet—so protective.
Aura’s was always packed. It was no surprise; the bar was small, but it had and infectious spirit, a direct reflection of its owner. The cantina was wall to wall. Between the juice Juanita made me and Aura’s wonderfully tasty recipes, I was rocked in the first two hours. There had been a girl, of course; no more beautiful than the majority of women in this tropical Utopia, but intriguing nonetheless. We had been dancing for the better part of an hour when she told me that she was hot and wanted to go for a walk to cool down.
I couldn’t resist her eyes, her smile. We exited. As we rounded the back corner of the building, she shoved me against the wall. Almost jumping on my waist, she forced her mouth onto mine, sucking and tugging less than tenderly at my lips. She lowered herself back to her feet after the embrace. As I glanced up from her lustful gaze, I saw him. A young teen in blue Dickies and a stained white tank had walked up on us without making a sound. Before I could speak, the boy swung the bat he carried with major league force. Then the whole world shifted.
Three things:
1. Oh my Gosh! Never saw that coming!
2. Oh my Gosh! You can write, buddy.
3. Oh my Freaking Gosh! That was awesome. Such a smooth transition from the sweetness of appreciating an older woman in her own special beauty……to utter horror.
Well done!
Thanks, Theresa, I appreciate your comments! I will say that the word count on the prompts kills me. I cut out so much that I wanted to tell… probably for the better, I don’t know. Can’t wait to read your piece!
I’m SO glad you’re back this week because…
A. You’re an amzing writer who can create a scene with perfect words. I could almost smell the flowers, taste the drinks, hear the music.
B. You totally knocked me over with that last bit. I wasn’t expecting the night to end in violence.
C. You left me scrolling down to see if you hinted at who was hit. Was it the girl? The narrator? Was she working with the attacker? Why was he “chosen”? It was like a teaser trailer to a much bigger story. A story I want to read.
I would love to read more, without the word limit.
Thanks for the comment, Mandyland! Unfortunately, since you (and several others) have asked that I expand this and some other stories, I cannot divulge the answers to your ‘C’ questions. Yep, I’m leaving you hanging for a while. 🙂
Sweet heavens!! So not expecting that! I thought you were gonna go all X rated abx I’d have to read alone under the covers but turns out now I have to sleep with the light on!!
And I learned a new word “aphrodisiacal”
Great job.
Leighann, I honestly am at a loss. I’m not sure how to respond to this. I’m grinning, but I have no words. 😉
Wow. I get your frustration with the word count. It did feel rushed in the end after you had lulled us into the rhythm of tropical paradise.
But I LOVED this…and yes, I want more!
I’m so glad you’ve joined this bunch of writing women!
Thank you for the comment and the criticism. It was rushed at the end… something I noticed after re-reading a few times, but I had already hit the publish button. I’m glad you liked the piece, but in the future, I will work on doing a better job of condensing the story a little more evenly. Great comment!
This piece was written in such a way that it felt like I was reading snapshots, or reading an album. The details of Juanita were specially strong from her skin, to rushing the plants around, to the pat on the cheek and it was that relationship that was most intriguing to me. The violence at the end functioned like a splash of cold water to the face forcing the reader underneath the varnish/facade of such places.
I believe my job is done here… lol! Thank you for the comment!
Once again, bravo Brandon! You use such detail to engage the senses with smells, and tastes, and textures and you build up the story line nicely, so it feels realistic. And then? A plot twist. I LOVE a plot twist!
Thank you! I’m glad you stopped by! The prompt is the culprit here… they force plot twists!
I have been in bars like the one you described and seen similar situations. You did a very fine job of describing it. Well done. I enjoyed it.
Thanks, Jack! I appreciate you stopping by. I had a little inspiration from a guy I once knew who followed a similar dream. He, too, was mugged a few times in paradise. There’s always a balance.
Awesome stuff. I felt all the sensations right throughout the piece, right through to the last line. And then you switched it up! It was so sudden – it worked really well. Way to go.
Thanks Robin! The prompt really allows for that kind of switch-up. I seem to be a bit off of the norm this week, but, I think it’s working!
I loved this! The descriptions and the aromas, I felt like I was right there. Then the end! Wow!
Thank you, Jessica! I appreciate the comment!
And?! And?!! I need to know what happens next! This is great. By the tone of the beginning you set the reader up to think it’s going to be ending with something sensual. Instead we get the opposite, the verbal baseball bat to the story. I’d love to read more 🙂
Can’t tell you. I’ve decided the expand the story. You will just have to wait. 🙂
Thank you for stopping by and commenting, though! I truly appreciate it!
Hmm.. maybe that baseball bat will knock some sense into that player! 😉
Really good descriptions, you really set the scene well
Uh oh! Someone sided with the antagonist?! My my, we have struck a cord! Thanks for the comment, Cheryl!
Wow. I never saw that coming. Nice job!
Thanks, Kelly! I appreciate you stopping by!
So happy to have you back, Brandon. Enough letting your job get in the way. Geesh!
I really liked this piece and felt like I was right there with him.
I have just a few, very minor thoughts, however.
It would have added to the piece if you’d listed some of those “aphrodisiacal flowers.” Specific flowers, like frangipani and hibiscus would have engaged my sense of smell a bit more.
Your title hints at the twist. I’m thinking if you changed that to something more subtle, you could heighten that shock at the end.
Overall, a great job, Brandon.
I love your writing. 🙂
I know, I know, the job thing sucks… I’m working on it! 😉
The suggestions:
I am right there with you on the flower thing. Noted. Good call.
Titles – oh, titles… probably more difficult than the story itself. Suggestion also noted.
Thanks for your comments and suggestions, I will keep working on it!
Loved it babe! With every story you seem to amaze me more than the one before! I’m so proud to be able to call such a talented and passionate person my soul mate, my husband, my best friend.
BUT, I’d like to read more…you can’t leave us hanging anymore….you’re killing me!
LOL! Thanks babe, unfortunately, I tend to enjoy the reactions that leaving people hanging elicits… call me a sicko – love you!
I’m with Cheryl. I like the rhythm of the piece, and boy would I love to be where your characters are, but I’m not too fond of your linen clad hero. Of course, that’s a compliment, since you elicited a strong emotional response!
The older woman mixing the drinks? I loved her!
My one concrit would be that your language seems a bit formal for such a laid back setting. I like the rhythm, the flow, but sometimes your sentence structure feels stiff.
Now, give us another installment, because I’m way intrigued!
Hmmm… things to ponder here, for sure.
I agree, the protagonist thing is a compliment and something I am learning about in real time from this post. Its interesting actually. I have read about how to make your characters a “love ’em or hate ’em” type briefly, but never tried to do it.
Stiff sentence structure. Also something I have not considered or noticed. Dang it – now I have homework to do… thanks a lot… 😉
Thanks for the concrit!
I like this. And there’s going to be more?
Good!
And I get the word count frustration. I rushed mine, sigh.
Thanks, Renee. Yes, I have decided to write a full story out of this piece (and likely other TRDC posts.) I am feeling inspired. 🙂
The word count really got me on this one. I chopped so much out… That’s ok. Makes us better writers!
Ok I also do NOT love the main character. seems like a total player. But i hate him the way I hate Tom in The Great Gatsby. He has to be this way for the story to be good.
I also felt like a guy like this–since it’s from his point of view–would have some more colorful commentary to throw in. not sure.
the setting and the characters and the action is described (shown) well…but I am left wondering about this guy’s voice.
and I am ready to read the next installment. Ok? GO!
HA! I am loving the fact that most of you don’t like the character! This is a great learning experience for me!
I so want to explain the character better, but I will withhold and finish the story! Thank you for reading!
I’m kind of wondering what this guy has been doing on an island paradise for 6 months???
Very interesting…
I had to cut that bit out – necessary for word count. The answer will reveal itself in time!
Thank you for stopping by!
I want to not the linen pant guy but I get him. I think most single guys would act the same in that situation. He is single, right? And I’m intrigued, is the tank guy her boyfriend, has he been set up by the waist clinging chica? I look forward to reading more of it.
Yeah, its getting pretty obvious that this character is not well liked. As for the rest of the questions, I’m afraid you will have to wait and see how it turns out. 🙂
Wow, I did not see the ending coming. I enjoyed this. I thought it was well written and was written in such a way that you could feel and experience where the character was and what he was experiencing. I enjoy reading things that let me “take a vacation” for a few minutes.
Thank you for the comments and compliments! I do what I can to help my readers experience the story – I don’t like telling people stories. I love to hear that I can pull it off!
OH and I have to add. I understand why some people didn’t like the main character, but I got the feeling that maybe we weren’t supposed to. Some of the most interesting and relatable stories are about flawed characters and their growth or change throughout the story. Just a thought.
You may or may not be correct. The character is misunderstood (by coincidence) and disliked (by accident).
There will be an opportunity to learn more at a later time. 🙂
Here’s the weird thing, everyone is so shocked by the ending and yet I knew a girl growing up who was with her boyfriend on the beach one night and the same thing happened to them, so as well written as this is I wasn’t completely caught off gaurd. Still, it is a great piece and I hope all fiction.
Oh, yes, all fiction. I did have an acquaintance though (friend of a friend) who worked in the Caymans and he had been mugged a few times while straying out into town drunk. So, yeah. It doesn’t really surprise me either.
Did you ever write a follow up to this piece? I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it. In fact, I think this might be the first or second piece of yours I ever read. You hooked me with this piece.
I wrote a short prequel to it, but never finished the piece entirely. I may revisit one day.