Today’s post is a prompt response to a picture prompt “Piecing Things Together” – the challenge was to use either one or all four images on the given puzzle pieces to build our story. Here’s my take. Constructive criticism more than welcome and highly encouraged.
~~~
“You want to… Camping? Come on, John, you know I don’t…”
Catherine paced their tiny kitchen as she spoke to her boyfriend on her cellphone. She had never actually been camping before. The only thing going through her head was future horror stories of chiggers and poison ivy.
“Why can’t we just go to the… because I like it there, it’s pretty. Yes, I know that…” She sighed. John was relentless.
“I don’t know… No, I’m not!” She quickly pulled her fingernail from between her teeth. Catherine liked things to be predictable. Change made her nervous. When she was nervous, she nibbled at her fingernails. John always knew when she was doing it.
“John…” She was running out of excuses.
“Look, give it one day. If you don’t like it, we’ll pack up and go to the lake.” the voice on the other end of the receiver was genuine and tender.
“Ok. We’ll go, but I’m not going to like it.” she said, half convinced.
“Good. That’s my girl. But, you have to trust me and go along with things for the whole day. Promise?”
“Ok, ok. You win. One day.” Catherine knew that promising took away her last loophole. In their two years together, he never gave her a reason not to trust him, but her stomach felt like it was capsizing.
“Alright, finish packing. Bring the things you would take to the lake. I’ll grab some stuff from my mom’s and pick you up at six. Yes, six. Hey, you promised and I’m making the most of it. Yeah, I know. You’ll live. You can sleep in the car for a little while if you need to. Ok, I’ll see you soon. Love you.” John smiled as he flipped his cell phone receiver closed. He loved their banter. He loved the draw in her voice when she got pouty. He loved her.
He wasn’t at his mom’s house as he told her. He was at his parents’ cabin on the opposite side of the lake. He hadn’t told her they owned one. He wanted to several times; but he kept it a secret in case of a situation like this.
John had been there all day cleaning and getting everything ready. It hadn’t been used for a while and needed a thorough once over. He stepped outside to take a break and looked around.
The tiny alcove had been in his family for almost sixty years. His grandpa found it while fishing one afternoon. In a stroke of luck, he had gotten lost and found the perfect spot, nestled quietly between two mountain peaks. The land surrounding the inlet was for sale, so he snatched it up immediately.
John was always awestruck in this place. Two hundred yards to one side was a gorgeous waterfall. The water running off the granite cliff was as clear a blue as the enormous expanse of lake to the other side. The small cabin was welcoming and extraordinarily comfortable.
As the dusk sky turned from blue to pink, John went back inside. Stopping just inside the door, he glanced around the room. The corner lamp lit up the faded, ornately designed red and white wallpaper in the living section. His grandmother had loved that wallpaper.
His eyes came to rest on the rough, oak table in the center of the room. There sat a short, white candle between two china place settings and a crystal vase bearing a single red rose. It was Catherine’s favorite.
In the middle of Catherine’s dinner plate sat a half-carat solitaire engagement ring, glimmering in the candlelight.
Aww, what a romantic he is. I love the description of the setting around the cabin. It sounds beautiful.
The flow of the phone conversation was spot on.
One question about this line “. He loved the draw in her voice…” is that supposed to ‘drawl’? That’s all I’ve got. Good story. And I hope she likes her “camping trip”.
Huh. Yeah, you’re right. It is drawl. Learn something new everyday! I thought (being from Oklahoma) that it was the OK accent adding the “l” at the end, lol!
Good catch! Thank you. 🙂
What a great story! I felt like I connected with both of your characters right away. That little bit about Catherine catching herself nibbling on her fingernails was the perfect way to show her concern. The dialogue was really good as well. Realistic. You might want to consider adding some pauses in John’s last line in the phone conversation to make it clear where Catherine is talking and he’s listening. I’m more than a little jealous of his grandpa’s cabin! I wish I could stumble across something like that.
That is a good suggestion also. I cut so much out of this to meet the word count, I didn’t notice the transition being too sudden. Good call.
And yeah! Wouldn’t that be nice? I wish I could run across something like that too! 🙂
I enjoyed this and found myself wondering if you were gonna have him plotting her death or something else. Whew! So glad it appears to be a happy ending. The conversation flowed well and again I can’t find anything for concrit. I guess I’m just to optimistic or you’re just too good.
Uh oh! My reputation is coming back to haunt me. I knew I shouldn’t have killed off all those other characters in previous stories… (oops!)
And yes, you are just optimistic, lol! I’m no better than anyone else in the group. 🙂
Loved all of it…except one thing…. you could have made the diamond bigger 😉
Always has to be a bigger diamond… if you had your way you’d carry it along behind you in a cart! 😉
Thanks, though. I guess you were the only one that noticed a lack of OOMPH in the story. (Or people are just being nice… ha ha!)
Awww…I love this. I a huge romantic (I think you’ll end up seeing that in my writing lol), so this a fun read. i want to see her reaction, though, darn you! 😉
BTW, thank you so much for the great feedback on my story!
She says no.
HA! Just kidding, lol! It is kinda mushy though, huh?
And you’re welcome. I hope it helps in the future. 🙂
Very nice, Brandon. I agree with Donna on the transition to John being the focus of the phone conversation and with Julie on not being sure if it would end well. Need I say more?
Nope, I got it! That’s the great thing about communities like this. We can test and try new things. Thanks for thee comment!
“The water running off the granite cliff was as clear a blue as the enormous expanse of lake to the other side.”
Um yes, please. Can I close my eyes and hide on a smooth rock behind this waterfall and let it cascade down over me the way I’m imagining it from your words?
I liked the one sided conversation in the beginning, and was a little disappointed when it switched to John. It seemed more like a normal conversation, then you had me hearing it from John’s POV. It was a teensy bit awkward. I get word counts though. Sometimes you gotta cut out something and keep others just so the piece you are using makes sense. I honestly don’t know how much I would enjoy a longer version of the back and forth unless you did it Jodi Picoult style.
Again that beginning conversation was really really strong. I could see her on the phone talking, as if I was standing next to her in the room. I’m wondering where this is going and want more please. More!!
Uh… *ahem* easy there, lol!
Yeah, the “not chopped all to hell” version of this had a different transition. Word counts suck sometimes, but it is definitely a lesson learned for the next prompt of this nature! Better to learn now in the beginning, right?
Thanks for the feedback!
I love it, I too liked the first part, I thought you captured her nervousness perfectly. Now I’m wondering if this change will be to your character’s liking? (I’m hoping yes!) BTW- I’m sorry I missed this last week-meant to come by and just didn’t, I apologize!
That does make you wonder, doesn’t it?
And no worries about missing a week! We’re still here. 🙂